What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 03:15
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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She loved him until the end.
So whats the point in blame.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was seconnd youngest,
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was very sick at this time too.
What would happen if the Earth stopped spinning for one minute?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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And who doesn’t know suffering?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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As i do to all so called friends.?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
One cannot live in the past .
I was scared of men, in general
Was to survive, this bastard.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Does having the wrong address on my car insurance invalidate my policy?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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She wouldn,t have been !
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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But ive been too sick for many years..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He knew the spot.
What did i know ?
Why do our deceased do not protect us from other bad spirits?
I will be 64.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im still living with it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was 9 years of age.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
So, i spoilt her more .
My family never makes their pension either.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I think the readers, may guess!
We were not on the streets..
But it wasn’t much.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
It was going to be , some day.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Comes on , in middle age.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Who then, do I blame.?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I don,t even have a pension.
She was in good health!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I said to her
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Put me off passion for life!!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I could never make a relationship work though!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
All the time i was locked up.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Especially a lifetime of it.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
This is soul school!.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Ive learnt so much.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She found it foreign!.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I have no regrets .
I write beautiful poetry .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My life is so biszare .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She married twice! .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And i lived it daily.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
When she asked me how she looked .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Would this be the day?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We all went to grammer schools
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But, we were locked up after school.
I waited trembling.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He resisted the act ,that day.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.